The kiddos have been back to school for almost a month. It has been a crazy month, out of the ordinary, with two weekends away, back to school activities and catching up on projects that have been waiting too long. I feel this photo I snapped at the beach. People in the distance, the world tilted, sand not perfect with bits of dune grass growing. Truth be told the dune grass part makes me sad. Shouldn’t it be growing?
I feel this photo, shouldn’t I be growing? I feel something great in my future, I see it there like that beautiful blue lake in the distance. But there is that long stretch of beach and the prickly dry grass and the ground is lopsided. I am a filler. I have spent my life moving from school to career, working three jobs. When I finally got the 40 hours a week job, I make it 60 hours and decided to add in more school. My mom got terminally ill, needed round the clock care, which I happily provided in between the work and school. Taking care of her is one of the best things I ever did, but that is a topic for another day. Then I got married and had three beautiful kids all in 5 years. Once the craziness of toddlerhood was over, we chose to homeschool. Homeschooling 3 children, 2 with LDs. I work individually with each child, find field trips and communities to help them thrive. I teach co-ops, I am reading and leading discussions on 4 novels a month, reading 25 papers a month in addition to the 4-5 novels a month I read with my own kids. So I jump in. I fill my time. I am better when I have something to do.
The problem with me is I am a pleaser. I will do whatever is put in front of me. Want me to cook? I cook. Need me to write copy for your business? No problem. It makes me a good employee, it makes me a great daughter, wife, mother. It doesn’t always make me a great me. So, I have decided to live in the lopsided beach for a bit. Feel uncomfortable. Not fill every second. Just be and not fill every moment with an activity. I want that grass to grow, I want me to grow and the reflection part is hard for me. So that’s how I know to do it.